Misinterpreted Bible scriptures, celebrity council, urban myths, girlfriend gossip, unsavory authors and American living. They all contribute to your over (or under) sexualized, overwhelmed and underperforming relationship. In the black community, complications and confusion have destroyed the fabric of our relations. Why? The Black Man takes a look.
Today’s forecast calls for a flood of mis-information and a drought on love. For all the profitable purposes that relationship content can provide, it also can confuse even the most conventional connection. Your mindset shifts like Caribbean fault lines and the earth begins to shatter with constant argument and anger. Board your windows and head for the basement. The forecast calls for Hurricane Breakups and Sorry Statistics.
We have become overstuffed with the media buffet of what the perfect relationship is supposed to be. We allow Steve Harvey to slice the meat, ABC News to serve the fried chicken. Blogs keep the ice cream coming; your favorite magazine serves the mashed potatoes and mac & cheese. Your pastor provides the salad bar with extra selections of dressing. Next thing you know, you’re so fat you can’t even get out of the door. African-Americans have a lot of questions to answer.
Are you supposed to wait … and wait… and wait on God for that mate like your pastor said? Or do you listen to the CNN special that persuades you to go out there and hit the bars and clubs? Do you divorce if he can’t find a job? Or do you dump her if she can’t bear a child? Do you cheat if she’s not giving it up? Or do you leave if he can’t stop lying?
You need to “Act Like a Lady and Think Like a Man,” while having “The Conversation” about “What Brothers Think and What Sistahs Know.” You’ve got to know “The Vixen Manual” so you can “Play or be Played” so you can “Make Every Man Want You,” but make sure you answer the “101 Questions to Ask Before Getting Engaged.”
101 questions???
Black people (and America) are over complicating relationships. We have to graduate before we marry, have a great credit score and ensure that a $3000 ring is shining on her finger. There must be a gorgeous wedding, with butterflies flying out of little boxes and crab-stuffed shrimp hors d’oeuvres. We have to make sure we have thousands of dollars in the savings account (plus something stashed away for us), and have State Farm insurance, just like the commercial tells us to. We have to own a house by 30, make a certain salary and have a great career. Then, and only then, can you be happily married. But of course, you don’t have to do anything else… just wait on God to drop a man from the sky. The forecast calls for heavy materialistic acid rain.
There is life, and then there is love. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.
Love doesn’t listen to what the world says your relationship needs to be. Love doesn’t dismiss him because his salary is less than yours. Nor does it dump her because she’s not shaped like Lastarya. Love doesn’t simply give up when things get rough. If two people want to make it work, they will, somehow make it work. They adjust, they sacrifice, they forgive, they improve, they pray and they change. Sometimes, it’s that simple.
Relationships, whether present or prospective will be by no means perfect, but perfectly human. Only through God have I found peace, perseverance and promise. In our black American world of postpartum slave syndromes and sexual promotion, prospects of poverty and a lack of patience, it is indeed difficult to find a balance of good information in finding the right one for you. You can always find an author to instruct your relationship blueprint, but always remember that it’s never supposed to be an overcomplicated thing.
After all, God is not the author of confusion. So who writes your book?
Here are the books I mentioned in this article. Check them out if you wish:
2. The Conversation: How Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships
3. What Brothers Think, What Sistahs Know: The Real Deal on Love and Relationships
4. Play or Be Played: What Every Female Should Know About Men, Dating, and Relationships
5. Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Irresistible You’ll Barely Keep from Dating Yourself!
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I loved what you said about the complication of relationships. The bottom line is: very few people are willing to work together to achieve and very few know what REAL love is all about. It’s not about the man in the shiny hot whip and best clothing -it’s the man who makes great decisions, loves and looks out for your best interest, is loyal and respectful of you who has a vision for the future and makes great decisions that will ensure your progress as a couple/family. For men it is not the hottest chick who looks the best in a short dress and stiletto’s -it’s about a woman who supports your dreams/vision for the future, someone you can trust, someone who cares about you and not just how many bills can you pay that YOU had no responsibility in creating.
As one of the last “old school lovers in a new school body” I seek my friend -leader-and lover in that order.
****We have to look at the relationships little girls form with their fathers to understand why we have so many “relationship” issues today. I look around and wonder how many “angry black women” have not addressed their relationships with their fathers -not realizing that it’s effecting every relationship in their future. I came across this short-no nonsense-look at our relationships as women and I saw some of myself and definately the issues of others which stem from the relationshp they have from their first love “daddy”.
Be blessed
“The best teacher is experience.” Some wise man (or woman) said that. They were right. With relationships, the biggest detriment is people who never look at themselves. I blame reality TV and talk shows like Maury and Jerry Springer for this. Its created a society where in we can look at someone’s problems and say “They’re worst off than me” and never really deal with YOUR problems. The second thing is people (especially Black People,) who don’t acknowledge that them hanging on to the hurt from previous relationships is what is preventing them from finding someone who is great for them. They do things like set ridiculous standards, refuse to date someone who has any similarities to the person that hurt them, say “If they are truly for me they will deal with ALL of my demands, my lack of self esteem, and any other issues I may have, and still stay.” What these people don’t realize is that early on in a relationship you are in a competition with other potential suitors. Your competition is sending a representative, you should too.
This definitely resonated with how I have felt personally. I confess to having indulged in an amazing amount of literary fluff pertaining to said topic. I have about four of the books you mentioned in your column! LOL
Relationships are fragile, and need constant maintance and care. I found myself breaking them apart however with all sorts of nonsense from magazines, books and my (single) girlfriends. It wasn’t until I took a look within myself and decided to trust in God that I was able to find a direction with where I was going. I encourage every woman to take a step back and think about why you are doing what you are doing in your relationship and make sure it is in correlation with what God wants.
Good writing, Mr. Wilson!
This was an outstanding post! I’m sharing this one….
There is an influx of so much out here to read, but I don’t necessarily think that this is a bad thing. Sometimes, there is different pieces of information for different people. We need as much knowledge and information about the opposite sex as we can possibly get, because I’m not walking in any relationship naive.
I totally understand what you are saying though, and I feel as if we do overcomplicate things. Sometimes love is all you need, but then we want so much more then that. Its 2010 and everyone wants the perfect situation, although we will never get that.