After The Black Man handed out a list for the brothers, he realized he had to revisit his column. This time? The opposite sex. He hasn’t channeled the challenges of women quite enough. With that in mind, he hands out 10 truths every sister should know.
I was feeling like a young T.D. Jakes. And you? You were like the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir…
That “Reality List for Brothers” note I wrote last month? Effortless, like a college kid cooking Ramen noodles. Writing a list for the sisters? Harder than you think. I mean, what am I really going to write here? What could I possibly say… that you don’t already know? I felt like I was just “preaching to the choir.”
I felt that way only because of what my eyes have seen. And the truth? Y’all got your ish together.. for the most part. Sisters these days are business owning, home buying, product pushing, money making machinery. They own more degrees than a winter weather forecast, attaining respectable careers like shoe collections. They’re cruising in new coupes and trucks. They boast excellent social lives. They travel the globe like a circus. Weave is up 11%. I mean, anything is possible in the new black woman world! The lid’s been popped. Confidence is building. Perspectives are changing. Ceilings are breaking. Hot comb stocks are soaring. I mean, you just never know what’s going to happen!
It’s even evident in our “favorite” celebrity couple, Beyonce and Jay-Z. (And I use the term favorite loosely) There are reports that “Bey” earned over $50 million more than her husband in 2009. If you don’t think that’s a big deal, look at the list of other celeb couples and tell me where else the woman outearns the man like that. That is amazing progress for black women, where she can even earn that much money in one year, let alone outdo a mogul like Jay… Now if you can just excuse me for a sec… I’m going to bathe in hot chitlins.
Of course, I eventually found my inspiration for this note. From our beloved media. Ahhh yes! Leave it to the media to prescribe some humility medicine with documentaries and “studies” to bring down the sister spirit! Every single time they feel like you’re getting too happy, mediums like ABC deliver a stomach-punch study, like their recent piece on overly available, single black women. “Yeah, you may have overcome some obstacles, you may look good, and you might have some confidence but don’t forget… YOU’RE STIIIIIIILLLLLL SINNNNGGGGLLLLLE!!! Nana Na Nana Naaaaaaaaaaa!!!”
Or we could talk about Chris Rock’s film… the “sure I could’ve taken the time to admire the beauty and diversity of black hair, but I’d rather find the most ghetto salons I can find and exploit the fact that these chicks are rocking weaves and relaxers because they’re NATURAL HAIR LOOKS LIKE A BRILLO PAD” film. AKA “Good Hair.”
The media is sometimes bad for blacks. They can be the masters of manipulation, offering confidence-killing coverage of a crack head at the wrong place at the wroooong time. They are sure to acquire the most sensationalized material begotten by misplaced passions. This much I understand.
I’m not here to jump on the “how to get a man” bandwagon, because the truth is men need to get you. It’s what they wind up getting that matters. This is why I made up a list for you. Glad I’m here.
# 1 Reality – Keep Yourself Right with God
It’s so easy to go on cruise control. You think you’ve got this. You can do this thing on your own, because you got it like that. The truth is… you couldn’t even get out of bed this morning without the grace of God. No matter what anyone has told you, always remember you were meant to be here and that God has a plan for your life.
As always, you know my policy. Take it or leave it.
# 2 Reality – Too Much Pride Will Kill You
“Making it” as a black woman is like crossing through the final night of a long pledging process. You made it despite the ex that said you weren’t anything. You refused to allow the haters to hate. Now you have a master’s degree, a six-figure income and a Lexus. Smoother than Aunt Jemimas, you’re gliding like the Winter Olympics. Can’t nobody even touch you.
Beware.
Falling into the diva corollary is what so many successful sisters can do. It’s never becoming. People will not think you are a diva. They will think you are… something else I’d rather not say. Don’t get too prideful in the midst of your success, because it’s easy to blow a tire on the superhighway of overachieving life.
# 3 Reality – You Will Always Need to Separate the Work Persona from the Home Persona
You already know what it takes to survive the rat race. Sometimes, you know you have to be <i>nasty</i> with it. Whether you are a corporate attorney or an administrative assistant; usually you will have to use your gift of gab to win the wars of work.
But you can’t bring that into the home. Your family needs a wife and a mother, not a Sista Soulja. I see too many women using the same fight at work to battle the issues at home. You can’t take a chain saw to a tough piece of chicken. Switch it up.
#4 Reality – The Greatest Challenge is Trust and Submission to a Worthy Man
Your greatest trial may just be managing the emotions from within.
You know that people love to jump on your back like a little kid; highlighting your malevolent mannerisms and razor blade tongue. They say you are undesirably angry. There are more than a few sisters that are downright angry; attempting to control everything in their sight. They can’t even open up to a man in order to ignite a working relationship.
The truth is… they weren’t born that way.
Black females do not come out the womb with “attitude.” (I checked my daughter to be certain.) A woman’s emotional exterior is a sum of her life experiences, most of which come from the actions of men. What we often don’t talk about is the missing father, or the dad that abuses, molests and inevitably hurts. Some haven’t gotten over the guy that took their virginity and then cheated on them one week later – with one of their female friends. Some can’t believe he won’t step up and be a dad. Some are mind-warped by rap music.
As a result of experiences or hearsay, I’ve seen some chicks that are cold grits. They can’t even meet a man without thinking, “how is he going to try and play me?” Some black women don’t even enter relationships to win. More often, they are simply playing NOT to lose.
It’s hard to put yourself out there when you’ve been played in the past. And we all know how you hate being embarrassed. It’s infuriating because it hurts. The media already has the propensity to look down on you. The last thing you need is your own men rejecting your existence.
The hardest thing to do is let go of the past and look forward to the future; to come out as exuberant and excited as you were the first time you fell for someone. You will always be tempted to “check” your man, always finding ways to remind him that you will not be his bathroom toilet seat… that you have pride and you WILL NOT be told what to do! Just… try to fight that urge a little, okay? Just a little… be nice.
# 5 Reality – Scratch that, the Greatest Challenge is FINDING a Worthy Man to Trust and Submit to
Oh yeah… Sorry.
# 6 Reality – If you Want a Quality Dude, you’ve got to be a Quality Chick
There is nothing worse than a woman with 100 standards for a wealthy and handsome man, and she has nothing to put on the table except a body part. Let’s move on…
# 7 Reality – Always Remember… It’s About Being in Good Health
DO NOT get overly self-conscious about your figure. DO NOT forget that you were created in a different fashion. DO NOT become obsessed with losing too much weight. DO NOT become obsessed with gaining too much weight. And for God sakes, PLEASE DO NOT lose that butt. Don’t do it nah.. yaheyuh?
Just remember at the end of the day to be healthy. If a pack of wild dogs were chasing you and you needed to run up a flight of steps to save your life… … … and you know your behind would <i>die</i> because you can’t make it up the steps? You need to get some exercise.
#8 Reality – You Must Always Remain Steadfast in Positivity
The world will try to kill your confidence. Trust me. They don’t like seeing you so happy and self-reliant and black and happy and all that. It’s annoying! So the world will try to annoy you back.
I can guarantee you some homeless man sitting on a broken crate will holla at you… in public… and then curse you out as you walk by. You stay in that happy place. Stay in the happy place. Don’t turn around! Keeeeeeeeep walking…
#9 Reality – *Whispering* If You Cook it… He Will Come
You know the old saying…
# 10 Reality – Always Keep a Heart Insurance Policy… Always
You may have a luxury car, weaving through the lanes of life with a Garmin navigation system, but every once in a while, you will drive through those obscure roads where the satellites can’t find you. You will have to make it on your own.
I can’t ever tell you that your heart won’t be broken. I can’t promise you won’t experience grief or extreme disappointment. I can’t guarantee you will always be happy. That’s the truth.
My advice? Always keep a piece of yourself. Always find happiness through who YOU are, and not something else, because if that something else (career, marriage, business, kids, home) happens to crumble, you’ll need something to live for. And that something should always be about who YOU are.
Please rise for the benediction. See you next time!
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This article was nice. Thanx for letting people know that Black women aren’t evil just for the joy of being evil. Our lives aren’t usually as rosy as women of other races. So we have to be as tough as we need to be to survive. If that turns men off, they need to understand that if you are worthy, a Black woman will see that, and she’ll let you into her heart. Black women are loyal, loving, nurturing, protective and fierce in all the right ways, so if you are patient and worthy you will win the prize.
I’m also tired of people putting us down. We’re good people. We’re worthy of love, too. Black men who prefer women of other races very rarely say that it’s just their personal preference. They always preface it with something mean and hurtful about Black women. You have no idea how much it hurts to be put down all day by white people, disrespected by strangers, then put down by Black men who should know better…. we’re mean cause the world is mean to us.
And teenage girls of every race have been getting pregnant for centuries; why is it that when Black women do it, their “becoming a statistic” or put under negative “labels”. We have a very small margin for error; it’s almost as if people want us to fail…. it’s hard out here for a sistah…. nice article.
Great article. Every Black woman (and Black man for that matter) should read this. Sisters, keep your heads up and continue to move forward. You remain the backbone of our race!