As the spring/summer times approach, cheating season has officially begun. So what makes a brother decide to step out on a seemingly good thing? The answers… aren’t what you think they are.
Part 1: The Expectation
On the nicer side of a not nice morning, in between my stress clouds of traffic and the showers of corporate work come those minute moments when you’re waiting for the elevator. Those are the precious milliseconds where you’re mentally lacing those rat race shoes. Everybody does it, staring into space wondering how they’re going to make it through the day.
I’m usually always distracted.
There’s this security guy that works in my building. He’s an old head; wispy mustache, faded hair line, old school, high-water-pants-walking-with-a-slight-limp type brother that stands about two inches above my six foot frame. Guys like him always love to see young brothers like me running in the corporate. They flash you with positive eye contact and say “wassup brotha!,” or they give me the ‘secret head nod of encouragement’ thing we black men do during work hours, as if to say, “don’t give up, keep going strong.” That’s cool. But this security guy is not. I see him, pimp walking towards me with a roguish grin while I’m waiting to go up.
Please let this elevator come.
He gets to me, reaches his hand out. Then he gets a little closer so no one else can hear. He’s like, “how many fine ass women you hit up in this place? HAHAA! Come on now, I know you gots to be hittin the skins!!”
Please let this elevator come.
“I’m telling you man, you gots to get in a couple dese chicks right heyuh! You see that one over there with the big booty? Man that thang poppin out that skirt bwoy!!! If I was you, I’d hit that during my lunch break! And I bet she’s feelin’ you dog…”
Please let this elevator come.
“I don’t know how you do it up in here, man. There’s sooo many bad women up in this piece! You see her titties? Oh my God, man! You need to get that dawg. You gotta get up on these women. And I know that I know that I KNOW a young brother like you got a little scrilla for that manilla!”
What?
“Man you young, you working, you black… you a man… you need to tap some of these here chicks. Something wrong witcha if you don’t!”
His mind concocts something else just as the elevator door opens. Just as the elevator door makes the “ding” noise, he has an idea. How ironic.
“Holla at me, man! If you need a few pointers I’ll show you how to get down!”
Have I told this guy I’m involved in a committed relationship? Yes. Does he know I have a little daughter? Yes. But that doesn’t stop this guy from continuously insisting that I notice and take advantage of the well-dressed sisters in my building. For him, it’s like his version of the old mentoring the young. He thinks he’s giving me this old, sage advice. Imagine if I were to listen to him. Somewhere, my fiancé is loading her handgun.
But the message is as clear to young brothers as the blouses some of these women wear. Something is wrong with you if you choose monogamy. It isn’t possible to stay with one woman. There’s too much booty, too many slinky bra straps, too many willing women to screw. It’s not weird if you cheat, you’re expected to cheat.
I left my office to go to lunch that day. I took the steps. I stopped in one of the downtown bookstores and check the mag section for a mental snack. I noticed a Black Men Magazine with a feature called, “How to Keep Your Side Piece in Check.”
Hm.
I looked over to the Complex Magazine with Jim Jones on the cover. It had a headline, “How to cheat on your girlfriend (& get away with it).” It was a ten page spread, complete with pictures, testimonials and advice. Imagine if I were to follow these tips. Somewhere, my fiancé is sharpening her blade knife.
No doubt, the male psyche is capable of enjoying the thought of the baddest pro chicks in their imaginary bedroom, regardless of whether they’re locked into a relationship or not. Every male, regardless of color or creed challenges the mental process of keeping it cool when things get warm. And when it gets hot, it’s surprisingly easy to fall out of love. Every man has moments of struggle. Nobody struggles harder than the black men in America.
It could be a simple piece of machismo machine. Or maybe it’s a product of a long line of failure formations. Society expects black men to inevitably and incredibly… fail. I once spoke with a high-level rep from Big Brothers/Big Sisters who told me that prisons are currently being built off the projections of black boys’ grade school report cards. The bigger the failure, the bigger the prison. They are already preparing for our fall, and readying our punishment. So is it crazy to add the shrewd marketing of black male infidelity to the long list of projected failures? Because no matter how much fun it is, no matter the level of pleasure or enjoyment one feels in the moment, if you’ve promised in some manner to be faithful and then you break your pledge… its a fail.
I knew our expected failure as black men reached higher levels when everyone discussed that Monique story this past month. Apparently, she has convinced herself and her fans that an open relationship is the way to go. Rather than to hold onto the commitment factor, she’s leaving the door open, protecting her heart just in case her husband wants to pull a Jesse James. The expectation is louder than we think.
The truth is, lots of brothers cheat. But at the end of the day, it fractures the relationship bones and cuts the life blood of a woman’s trust. Sisters lose their worth to men and families fall like lumber. There are more divorcing, single-parent house holding, family court dating black folk than I care to count. And usually, cheating is the charge. So is it a clean coincidence, or a controlled cause to the state of the black family?
Let me ask the security guy.
Stay tuned! Part 2 is on the way…
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
This is the first article I read and it definitely hit home. It was definitely a great read and kept me interested. I too, can’t wait for part 2.
your insight is blessed! u have a lot to say and i look forward to reading more!
And we cannot forget the instances when the cheating man has a partner in crime who knows that he has a girlfriend/wife. Women who thrive on taking a man’s attention, money, time, body, and possibly heart away from other women (and often children) make my brainwaves short circuit. What? Why? You can have your own man, really, you can. They made enough of them. If we did not make ourselves available to these men, if they had fewer and fewer viable options, where would they turn? Yes, some would seek the easy street availability, but others, not wanting to “stood that low”, or work hard for the few women left out there willing to play “second string” would turn back to their home where they should have been all along.
Great post. Quite a lot of ways to ponder this dilemma as you embellished here. I question this as well and have tried to share a few perspectives. You came hard here though – can’t wait for part 2
Lately I’ve been wrecking my brain with this one so, Nathan, you read my mind. Not since my early 20s have a worked in a place where so many men with wedding bands hit on woman after woman after woman, in the same building, on the same floor and in the same department, with no regard to his or her marital status. They speak highly of their wives and claim to be happily married. So, why are they cheating? What’s the point?
At first I asked myself if men (Black, white and other) were reading the same blogs and listening to the same reports about the Black woman desperation to find a man. Then, since I’m new to the DC-area, I asked a co-worker if it’s the city or the government agency I report to every day. I’ll cover that response in a future blog. In the meantime, I await your Part 2.
I too like the style of his writing. I will be awaiting part two also.
Your writing is very deep and full of much insight into problems that effect today’s black man. Looking forward to part 2.