To all the ladies up in here that like to talk back, there may be too many divas and not enough “wives.” Is that infamous “s” word like water for chocolate or water to a black woman’s hair? It’s time to turn slightly pastoral in breaking down the verses that often cramp the social setting of the new millennium sister.
And so the game begins.
I can’t think of a better fixture to best describe the sister image than that Jenga game. It’s complex, fragile, monumental, towering, challenging and enjoyable at the same time. I watch as methodical fingers of viral YouTube clips, condescending celebrity comments, suspect commercials, SNL skits and shoddy movie make-ups attempt to pull at the monument of the black woman, brick by wooden brick. I watch men buy into the rhetoric like a housewife watching QVC. And then, once one too many bricks have been removed, I view the tower mercilessly fall apart all over the place. Quietly, it’s game over for the black woman’s image.
A few months ago, a viral YouTube clip hit the internet. Catatonic cartoon characters calling each other out, making a parody of the purposeless black woman’s overly demanding desires and audacious attitude.
“I want a Godly man,” says the robotic black female voice. Quick to respond, the male character says, “The Bible says that wives should submit to their husbands.”
“…. I believe everything in the Bible except that part.”
I saw that and went OMG and LOL’d… in all caps. I couldn’t help but crack at the sarcasm. I mean, how true was that? No group of women can tug harder on the rope of relationship control than the muscles of black woman will power. No group of women will check you quicker. No group of women can snap at you faster. Black women are like the mouse traps of the female world. Stick your neck out if you wish. If I had a penny for every man-tale telling about her having to “have her say,” I could buy a million thoughts.
But buying those thoughts comes with the taxing tales of suffering sisters. Black men want their women to submit to them, but at what cost? Too often, black males take it too far, driving women off a cliff and into the deepest valleys. In Philadelphia, there have always been Islamic overtones throughout the city, and it’s history has been infamous and influential. I look on as hood dudes use this culture to manipulate the mindset of the woman. I’m amazed as I watch African-American women marry some men, only to completely cover themselves in Young Jeezy-style, “all black everything.”
I’ve watched on 99 degree summer days, as black women would get on the bus, covered in a jet black hijabs and veils; a black cloak, black gloves and a black mask. Only showing their eyes, these women are completely off-limits to the eyes of the entire world, other than their husbands. Meanwhile, the males continue dressing in what I would call “Islamic casual,” sometimes wearing cloaks with Timberland boots and a kufi and a Freeway beard… still hollering at chicks walking down the West Philly streets.
Oh, I see it.
Then, I see these same dudes demanding ultimate visual submission and complete loyalty from their wives say (with a straight face) that they can start looking for a second wife, if they so choose. And despite all of these regulations, there are still some women that carry on with the process. But I don’t think every brown girl is jumping on that ship.
Still I hear of even more horror stories; faithful women who gave their lives to men who used their love as Charmin tissue during a diarrhea session, throwing them out, “Waiting to Exhale” style. You can almost see the buck 50 scars on the faces of brown skinned ladies whose hearts were slashed. Being forced into single parenthood, suffering thug abuse, relative rape and verbal evisceration on the part of a million insensitive male mouths, some sisters are emotional zombies.
Add that by 400 years of slavery, 20 years of Civil Rights wrongdoings, multiplied by 10,000 cups of Jim Crow, divided by seven billion ignorant internet message board trolls and anyone can almost see why most black women may be hesitant in just saying “yes” to anything a man wants.
(Somewhere, a few sisters are vigorously nodding their head.)
Before diving into the underbelly of what’s wrong in the black relationships, we have to remove the appendixes of victim-hood and blame. And the surgeons have to be brothers. There is a certain responsibility that has to be taken on behalf of the behavioral structure of our marriage systems.
So often, our ability to be viable husbands is attached to our socioeconomic health. And there’s more coughing and wheezing than a cold morning at the city bus stop. A good amount of black men have the “Baby Boy” mentality; men struggling with the knowledge that they have no ownership or dominion over their portfolios. Many brothers own no property, are missing college degrees and valid licenses to live. A lot of us don’t own businesses, make major money or accomplish anything viable. So what’s left to pacify the starving male ego other than the knowledge that we can always conquer the ever-waiting sister, hoping to benefit from our success?
Society boxes black females in like mental patients. If they have curves, they’re fat. If they wear makeup, they’re “fake.” If they like to dress up, they’re “hoochies.” If they say what they think, they’re… real mean ladies. If they cry sometimes, they’re a drama queens. If they have guy friends, they’re sluts. If they stand up for themselves, they’re mouthy. Seems like a black woman can’t do anything now a days without being labeled. Ultimately, we pull the blocks out of their Jenga tower, until they fall, over and over again. Brothers win. Or do we?
By the time black men settle into the marriage hot tub, they are often faced with a chronically defiant black woman armed with hearsay, memories and cancerous culture that communicates that they must “have their own” by any means necessary. The water gets cold real quick when she refuses to relocate or snaps at the thought of her staying home with kids. Suddenly, she is the Picasso painting her husband as an evil patriarchal figure sitting on in some rocking chair of an outdated plantation. She wants joint bank accounts. She wants you to do things her way and she wants you to know this isn’t the 50’s anymore.
Still, the infamous scripture passages which contain the phrase “submit to your husband” are nevertheless found in Ephesians 5:22 – 33. What are often forgotten in these passages are the man’s instructions to “love their wives as Christ loved the church.” To offer this sort of love is described in basic terms: unconditionally. Such a command is not traditional in the conditionally controlled world of today, where people’s marriages last as long as the candle stays lit. The moment things start mimicking Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married” scenes, people run to the divorce lawyers.
But there is something in those passages that preach what will never be heard on the radio or seen on the big screen. Unconditional love speaks of men treating their wives as themselves. We as men are so often quick to strike back at our more emotional partners, justifying ourselves while “dumbing” her down in the process. It’s always a battle to look better, to be “righter,” and more empowered than the other. In actuality, our love must be transmitted in time, honest communication and Christ-like living.
(Here comes my signature phrase when talking about God) Take it or leave it.
In the same manner, women must learn that submission is not a sentence to male slavery, but a freeing choice to actually trust God in all things. Women are so quick to feel weakened by the thought of submission, justifying their status as equals or even “betters.” But to love unconditionally is to find empowerment in choosing to better her husband by following the vision God gave to him to run his family. Lost in the sweet and sour sauces of sexual interaction is the fact that we both need each other for much more and for much longer.
The game goes on. We are either pulling the bricks away or building the tower of the black woman and our ultimate community. Careful which brick you touch.
Books on Black Women and Submission:
1. Finding the Hero in Your Husband: Surrendering the Way God Intended
2. How to Love a Black Woman: Give-and-Get-the Very Best in Your Relationship
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Love it! I am a black christian woman and this is a subject that I am researching right now. Not only submission with our spouses, but submitting at work as well. I have a black male boss and some times I can get right “sister girl” on him too! Where is that balance? I am in search for answers and practical steps on what black women can do to be submissive, but yet not get run over all the time too! This article helps. I don’t see your name any where here, but it’s a topic I would like to discuss!
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